January 14: open

Solitude is something that seems so straightforward and simple when I am sitting by myself in my dorm common room, listening to music and writing blog posts or reading, but when I first come to a situation where solitude is my only option, I am out of my depth. 

The monastery was a place where I was unfamiliar with everything around me. There were rules and a schedule, but nothing was specifically required of me. There were no expectations; and coming from a world where expectations and obligations are what drive us to do, do, do all the time, it was unsettling to be allowed to do what I wished. It felt wrong. For all anyone cared, I could have sat in my room for four days and done nothing. I had the option to go on hikes or go to prayer, but I didn’t have to. I didn’t even have to go to meals. 

When I arrived at the monastery, I was afraid of wasting the time given to me. I wanted to rethink my life and evaluate my relationships and experience spiritual growth. I wanted to discover a new sense of calm and feel refreshed an inspired. I wanted to relearn how to listen and pray.

But these things cannot be forced. In one sense, I did waste most of my time at the monastery because I was afraid of failing—of not having an epiphany where all the stress in my life made sense and went away. I wanted to be open, but the experience was so unlike anything I had ever done before—there weren’t even any hoops to jump through—that I was at a loss for how to gague my “success.” 

It wasn’t as if the experience held no merit for me—far from it (hopefully I will find time post in the future about these things). However, it was not what I was expecting. And I needed to realize that that’s okay—it’s okay to be at a loss and not feel fully prepared. It’s okay to explore and wander and try different things. It’s okay to not find fulfillment in an activity—because the experience of trying shows that there are some things that won’t work for certain people.

Learning to embrace uncertainty and contentment in the midst of uncertainty is incredibly valuable in a time where the push toward being competent and prepared in all circumstances cultivates a debilitating fear of the vengeful god Failure.