Fire & Sun

Fear has ruled me for far too long.

I suppose that that’s the burden of living in a broken world. Yet I doubt I even put up much of a fight. I simply stood and allowed the fear to numb my will and freeze my heart and erect walls of false protection—walls to protect itself, not me—which soon became an idol to strength. Then it began the dissection, separating character from intellect, heart from brain, until it was satisfied with my downcast eyes and mute mouth. I was locked in the inner recesses of my mind, unable to express my wonder and joy at the world around me.

It was a card from a high school teacher, which I’ve kept and cherished these past few years, that opened my eyes to what I have become—a shadow of myself. Looking at myself through his eyes, I was startled awake to the reality of my complacency; and, horrified, I took a shaky step back towards my boldly gracious self.

And I breathed in… and took another.

when I was a child I didn’t hear a single word you said
the things I was afraid of, they were all confined beneath my bed
the years have been long, and you have taught me well to hide away
the things that I believed in, you taught me to call them all escapes

but I know who you are now
I know you who are
I know who you are now

standing on the threshold, I saw another world beyond myself
and in my hour of weakness you were there to see my courage fail
the years have been long, and you have taught me well to sit and wait
planning without acting, instead of me becoming what I hate

’cause I know who you are now
I know you who are
I know who you are now

I have always known you, and you have always been there in my mind
but now I understand you, and I will not be part of your desires

’cause I know who I am now
and all that you’ve made of me
I know who you are now
and I’ve made you my enemy

and I know who I am now
and all who I want to be
I want to be more than
this dead wood inside of me

– The Oh Hellos