It has only been three days of class so far, and already I’m having problems. When I realized that I was experiencing frustration, I decided to step back and think about the class itself in the context of the readings I have been doing—and I came back with some interesting observations.
My first observation was that I had a lot of positive expectations for this class, based on what other people had told me as well as what I envisioned the class to be like. The problem with expectations is that when I cling to my vision of what reality is supposed to look like, I shut out any other possibilities. And if those other possibilities are my reality, I become angry—and therefore lose the potential for a different but potentially equally good experience.
I have very high expectations for those who are in authority—and especially for my teachers, as they are the ones who are supposed to be filling my brain with information. Teachers always have my initial respect, because being a teacher is a daunting and blessed task. Yet I will not blindly follow someone who seems to not know what he or she is doing. Therefore, I have even higher expectations for the teachers of subjects that are more important to my growth as a Christian—because what they teach me will weigh heavily on how my walk with Christ plays out. And this is such a class.
I keep finding myself disappointed and frustrated with the class and my professor. Perhaps, I thought to myself, I was wrong to choose something I have spent time thinking and reading about a few months ago instead of something that has been on my heart in this point in my life. Perhaps I have moved past this and there is nothing left for me to learn. But another part of me scoffed at that, because I am too intelligent to think that I have nothing left to learn about being a disciple. But I might not be too far off.
I went into this coming from a very good Christian educational background, which means that (in theory, anyway), I have a lot of knowledge. I also come from an experience in Ray VanderLaan’s Discipleship class and years living in community at Turning Pointe in the Ensemble. Yet because I thought that I was beyond the things we went through in class, that did not mean that there was nothing I could take away from it.
I began to realize then that I was doing exactly what Bonhoeffer was telling me not to do. I was projecting my own experiences and expectations onto the class instead of allowing the community to be itself. And in that way, I was limiting the flourishing of the classroom community because I was trying to force it to conform to some notion I had. But I am no more knowledgeable or wise than anyone else in that classroom; who am I to be in charge?
Community is about more than everyone being similar. Community is more than a contract or a mission statement. A community is made up of dynamic, fallen people—and as such, it needs to be allowed space to grow and reform in different ways. Therefore, its members need to be able to open themselves to the possibility of what could be, and let go our claims to control. Ultimately, the community is not about me. It is not even about the other people. Community should be about Christ—otherwise it will fail.
Elantris [the next-after-last] 